The reality of married life

It seems like that i have not been blogging for years. Lolx!

Probably have been thinking a lot of things recently. Some unhappiness that i found in my marriage life. I believe it does apply to everyone. It's just how you look at it.

Maybe years ago when i started blogging. I keep looking forward to marriage. Looking for a man who can be loving. After when i am in it. I realised, things are not so simple as said.

I believe i ever shared one letter with you. About my Ex-bf. I wrote a lot of negative things on the letter. Looking back, i ask myself. Isn't this happening on me?

Below is the phrase:

I don’t even have the choice to choose the friends that I want to go out with. Knowing you don’t like, I try to minimize to go out with those you don’t like or maybe not even meeting any at all. SO this is what you want your girlfriend to be?
You know, loving you wasn’t the hardest thing to do. The hardest thing is when you choose to lie
and I still choose to believe.
If you open your eyes and see, I really changed. I changed because of you. To change into someone who wants me to become, that is not love. You don’t love or accept who I am but who I change to and become.  I stop doing lots of things that you don’t like but you never ever try to do things that I don’t like. Never!!

You choose it your way. No matter how many times I say, you will still repeatedly make the same mistakes that I say I don’t like. You never put my words into serious consideration. You care for your friends more than you care for me. You trust your friends more than you trust what I say. 
 
Looking back at letter, I feel that the letter meant was saying about me now. I have took over my ex-bf character?
 
Remembering that i can be a happy go lucky person. Said what i want to said. Blog as and when i wish. Never failed blogging everyday.
 
But today, what have i become? Becoming into somebody that i look back i almost couldn't recognised that eventually the person who does the blogging is the same fellow.
 
I believe, it's all causes by the person beside you, the environment plays a part and how light is your ear.
 
Anyone has a marriage story to share with me?
 
Is it really true what some people say it true? The reality of marriage only applys on a deaf husband and a blind wife,
 
 
Maybe you will understand better in married life... some maybe very meaningful.

THE REALITY OF MARRIED LIFE
By
Ven. Dr K Sri Dhammananda


John J. Robinson in his book "

Of Suchness" gives the following advice on love, sex and married life. "Be careful and discreet; it is much easier to get married than unmarried. If you have the right mate, it’s heavenly; but if not, you live in a twenty-four hour daily hell that clings constantly to you, it can be one of the most bitter things in life. Life is indeed strange. Somehow, when you find the right one, you know it in your heart. It is not just an infatuation of the moment. But the powerful urges of sex drive a young person headlong into blind acts and one cannot trust his feelings too much. This is especially true if one drinks and get befuddled; the lousiest slut in a dark bar can look like a Venus then, and her charms become irresistible. Love is much more than sex though; it is the biological foundation between a man and a woman; love and sex get all inter-twined and mixed up".
Problems


Almost everyday, we hear people complaining about their marriages. Very seldom do we hear stories about a happy marriage. Young people reading romantic novels and seeing romantic films often conclude that marriage is a bed of roses. Unfortunately, marriage is not as sweet as one thinks. Marriage and problems are interrelated and people must remember that when they are getting married, they will have to face problems and responsibilities that they had never expected or experienced hitherto.
People often think that it is a duty to get married and that marriage is a very important event in their lives. However, in order to ensure a successful marriage, a couple has to harmonize their lives by minimizing whatever differences they may have between them. Marital problems prompted a cynic to say that there can only be a peaceful married life if the marriage is between a blind wife and a deaf husband, for the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of his wife.


Sharing and Trust


One of the major causes of marital problems is suspicion and mistrust. Marriage is a blessing but many people make it a curse due to lack of understanding.
Both husband and wife should show implicit trust for one another and try not to have secrets between them. Secrets create suspicion, suspicion leads to jealousy, jealousy generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation, suicide or even murder.
If a couple can share pain and pleasure in their day-to-day life, they can console each other and minimize their grievances. Thus, the wife or husband should not expect to experience only pleasure. There will be a lot of painful, miserable experiences that they will have to face. They must have the strong will power to reduce their burdens and misunderstandings. Discussing mutual problems will give them confidence to live together with better understanding.
Man and woman need the comfort of each other when facing problems and difficulties. The feelings of insecurity and unrest will disappear and life will be more meaningful, happy and interesting if there is someone who is willing to share another’s burden.


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Blinded by Emotions


When two people are in love, they tend to show only the best aspects of their nature and character to each other in order to project a good impression of themselves. Love is said to be blind and hence people in love tend to become completely oblivious of the darker side of each other’s natures.
In practice, each will try to highlight his or her sterling qualities to the other, and being so engrossed in love, they tend to accept each other at "face value" only. Each lover will not disclose the darker side of his or her nature for fear of losing the other. Any personal shortcomings are discreetly swept under the carpet, so to speak, so as not to jeopardise their chances of winning each other. People in love also tend to ignore their partner’s faults thinking that they will be able to correct them after marriage, or that they can live with these faults, that "love will conquer all".
However, after marriage, as the initial romantic mood wears off, the true nature of each other’s character will be revealed. Then, much to the disappointment of both parties, the proverbial veil that had so far been concealing the innermost feelings of each partner is removed to expose the true nature of both partners. It is then that disillusion sets in.


Material Needs


Love by itself does not subsist on fresh air and sunshine alone. The present world is a materialistic world and in order to meet your material needs, proper financing and budgeting is essential. Without it, no family can live comfortably. Such a situation aptly bears out the saying that "when poverty knocks at the door, love flies through the window". This does not mean that one must be rich to make a marriage work. However, if one has the basic necessities of life provided through a secure job and careful planning, many unnecessary anxieties can be removed from a marriage.
The discomfort of poverty can be averted if there is complete understanding between the couple. Both partners must understand the value of contentment. Both must treat all problems as "our problems" and share all the "ups" and "downs" in the true spirit of a long-standing life partnership.


Pre-marriage Advice


The

Anguttara Nikaya contains some valuable advice which the Buddha gave to young girls prior to their marriage. Realizing that there could be difficulties with the new in-laws, the girls were enjoined to give every respect to their mothers-in-law and fathers-in-law, serving them lovingly as their own parents. They were expected to honour and respect their husbands’ relatives and friends, thus creating a congenial and happy atmosphere in their new homes.
They were also advised to study and understand their husband’s natures, ascertain their activities, characters and temperaments, and to be useful and cooperative at all times in their new homes. They should be polite, kind and watchful of their husbands’ earnings and see to it that all household expenditures were properly administered. The advice given by the Buddha more than twenty-five centuries ago is still valid even today.


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THE BUDDHIST CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE


In view of what has been said about "birth and suffering", some people have criticised Buddhism saying that it is against married life. They are wrong. The Buddha never spoke against married life. However, he pointed out all the problems, difficulties and worries that people would have to face when they take on the responsibility of marriage. Just because he warned one against problems in marriage does not mean that the Buddha condemned marriage.
The act of marriage itself implies that a person is still more attached to the physical world and since our mental faculties are influenced by craving, attachment and human emotions, it is but natural that problems would arise. This happens when we have to consider the needs of others and to give in to what others need.


Role of Religion


A deep analysis of the nature of self is important to help us to understand the origin of our problems, worries, miseries and how to overcome them. Here, religious advice is important for maintaining a tranquil life. However, a man should not become a slave to any religion.

Man is not for religion, religion is for man. That means man must know how to make use of religion for his betterment and for his happiness in a respectable way. Simply by following certain religious vows, precepts or commandments with blind faith or by force, thinking that we are duty-bound to observe them will not develop proper understanding.
One important aspect of Buddhism is that the Buddha did not impose any religious laws or commandments. The Buddha was a unique teacher who had set out a number of disciplinary codes for us to uphold according to our way of life. Those who follow the precepts observe them voluntarily but not as obligatory religious laws. It is up to us to follow the advice through our own understanding and experience of what is good for us and for others. Through trial and error, we will learn to follow the advice which will give us just peace and happiness.
One should try to understand the nature of the worldly life. By knowing that you have to face problems, you will be able to strengthen your mind and be more prepared to face the problems that could arise if you get married. Religion is important to help you overcome your problems. Whatever you learnt about religious principles when you were young can be adopted to avoid misunderstanding, disappointment and frustration. At the same time, certain good qualities such as patience and understanding which we learned through religion are important assets to help us to lead a peaceful married life.
Normally, it is due to a lack of mutual understanding that many married couples lead miserable lives. The result of this is that their innocent children also have to suffer. It is better to know how to handle your problems in order to lead a happy married life. Religion can help you to do this.


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THE RELIGIOUS DILEMMA

Individual Rights


One of the causes of the greatest concern among those who do not belong to the non-semitic religions is the problem of conversion before marriage. While Buddhists and Hindus never demand that a couple must belong to the same religion before a marriage can be solemnized, many others tend to take advantage of this tolerance.
Marriage, contrary to what many romantic novels say, does not mean the total and absolute merging of two people to the extent that each loses his or her own identity. When a religion demands that both partners must have the same religious label, it denies the basic human right of an individual to believe what he or she wants. Societies throughout history have proved that "Unity in Diversity" is not only possible but desirable. Out of diversity comes greater respect and understanding. This should apply to marriage also. There are many living examples all over the world where the husband and wife maintain their own beliefs and yet are able to maintain their happy married life without confronting each other.
Buddhists do not oppose the existence of other religions even within the same household. Unfortunately this generous attitude has been exploited by unscrupulous religionists who are out to gain converts by all means.
Intelligent Buddhists must be aware of this stratagem. No self-respecting intelligent human being who really understands what he believes according to his own conviction should give up his beliefs merely to satisfy the man-made demands of another religion. Buddhists do not demand that their partners embrace Buddhism. Neither should they surrender their own beliefs.


Post-marriage Blues


When young people are in love, they are prepared to make many sacrifies so long as they can get married. But after a few years, when the real task of building a successful marriage begins, frustrations begin to set in. When a partner who had given up his deep-seated religious beliefs for "love" begins to regret having done so, unnecessary misunderstandings arise. These provide added tensions at a period when there is boredom in a marriage. There will be quarrels. And normally, one of the main causes of these quarrels will be the question of which religion the children should belong to.
Therefore, it is most important for one to know that if there is a process of conversion involved, it must be based on true conviction and not mere convenience or compulsion. Buddhist maintains the freedom of the individual to choose. This principle should be respected by all.


The Ceremony


There is no specific Buddhist ritual or procedure to conduct a marriage. Buddhism recognizes the traditions and cultures practised by people in different countries. Hence, Buddhist religious ceremonies differ from one country to another.
In general practice, a religious service for blessing and to give advice to the couple is customarily performed either in the temple or at home to give a greater significance to the marriage. Nowadays, in many countries, besides the blessing service, religious


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organizations also have been given the authority to solemnize and register marriages together with the issuance of the legal marriage certificates.
By and large, the most important point is that the couple should be utterly sincere in their intention to cooperate with and understand each other not only during times of happiness but also whenever they face difficulties.


SECURITY, RESPECT AND RESPONSIBILITIES

Sense of Insecurity


In the past, there was no such thing as a legal registration of marriages. A man and woman mutually decided to accept each other as husband and wife and thereafter they lived together. Their marriage was carried out in the presence of the community, and separation was rare. The most important thing was that they developed real love and respected their mutual responsibilities.
A legal registration of marriage is important today to ensure security and to safeguard property and children. Due to the sense of insecurity, a couple performs legal marriages to ensure that they are legally bound not to neglect their duties and not to ill-treat each other. Today, some couples even draw up a legal contract on what would happen to their property if they are divorced!


Husband and Wife


According to Buddhist teaching, in a marriage, the husband can expect the following qualities from his wife:
-

love
-

attentiveness
-

family obligations
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faithfulness
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child-care
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thrift
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the provision of meals
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to calm him down when he is upset
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sweetness in everything
In return, the wife’s expectation from the husband is:
-

tenderness
-

courtesy
-

sociability
-

security
-

fairness
-

loyalty
-

honesty
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good companionship
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moral support
Apart from these emotional and sensual aspects, the couple will have to take care of a day-to-day living conditions, family budget and social obligations. Thus,
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mutual consultations between the husband and wife on all family problems would help to create an atmosphere of trust and understanding in resolving whatever issues that may arise.
The Buddha’s Advice to a Couple
1. The Wife


In advising women about their role in married life, the Buddha appreciated that the peace and harmony of a home rested largely on a woman. His advice was realistic and practical when he explained a good number of day-to-day characteristics which a woman should or should not cultivate. On diverse occasions, the Buddha counselled that a wife should:
a) not harbour evil thoughts against her husband;
b) not be cruel, harsh or domineering;
c) not be spendthrift but should be economical and live within her means;
d) guard and save her husband’s hard-earned earnings and property;
e) always be attentive and chaste in mind and action;
f) be faithful and harbour no thought of any adulterous acts;
g) be refined in speech and polite in action;
h) be kind, industrious and hardworking;
i) be thoughtful and compassionate towards her husband and her attitude should equate that of a mother’s love and concern for the protection of her only son;
j) be modest and respectful;
k) be cool, calm and understanding-serving not only as a wife but also as a friend and advisor when the need arises.
In the days of the Buddha, other religious teachers also spoke on the duties and obligations of a wife towards her husband – stressing particularly on the duty of a wife bearing an off-spring for the husband, rendering faithful service and providing conjugal happiness.
Some communities are very particular about having a son in the family. They believe that a son is necessary to perform their funeral rites so that their after-life will be good one. The failure to get a son from their first wife, gives a man the liberty to have another wife in order to get a son. Buddhism does not support this belief.
According to what the Buddha taught about the law of Karma, one is responsible for one’s own action and its consequences. Whether a son or a daughter is born is determined not by a father or mother but the karma of the child. And the well being of a father or grandfather does not depend upon the action of the son or grandson. Each is responsible for his own actions. So, it is wrong for men to blame their wives or for a man to feel inadequate when a son is not born. Such Enlightened Teachings help to correct the views of many people and naturally reduce the anxiety of women who are unable to produce sons to perform the "rites of the ancestors".
Although the duties of a wife towards the husband were laid down in the Confucian code of discipline, it did not stress the duties and obligations of the husband towards the wife. In the

Sigalovada Sutta however the Buddha clearly mentioned the duties of a husband towards the wife and vice versa.
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II The Husband


The Buddha, in reply to a householder as to how a husband should minister to his wife, declared that the husband should always honour and respect his wife, by being faithful to her, by giving her the requisite authority to manage domestic affairs and by giving her befitting ornaments. This advice, given over twenty-five centuries ago, still stands good for today.
Knowing the psychology of the man who tends to consider himself superior, the Buddha made a remarkable change and uplifted the status of a woman by a simple suggestion that a husband should honour and respect his wife. A husband should be faithful to his wife, which means that a husband should fulfill and maintain his marital obligations to his wife thus sustaining the confidence in the marital relationship in every sense of the word. The husband, being a bread-winner, would invariably stay away from home, hence he should entrust the domestic or household duties to the wife who should be considered as the keeper and the distributor of the property and the home economic-administrator. The provision of befitting ornaments to the wife should be symbolic of the husband’s love, care and attention showered on the wife. This symbolic practice has been carried out from time immemorial in Buddhist communities. Unfortunately it is in danger of dying out because of the influence of modern civilization.


The Past


In the past, since the social structure of most communities was different from that we find today, a husband and wife were interdependent on each other. There was mutual understanding, and the relationship was stable because each knew exactly what his or her role was in the partnership. The ‘love’ that some husbands and wives try to show others by embracing each other in public does not necessarily indicate true love or understanding. In the past, although married couples did not express their love or inner feeling publicly, they had a deep even unspoken understanding and mutual respect for each other.
The ancient customs which people had in certain countries that the wife must sacrifice her life after her husband’s death and also the custom which prevents a widow from remarrying is foreign to Buddhism. Buddhism does not regard a wife as being inferior to a husband.


Modern Society


Some women feel that for them to concentrate on the upbringing of the family is degrading and conservative. It is true that in the past women had been treated very badly, but this was due more to the ignorance on the part of men than the inherent weakness in the concept of depending on women to bring up children.
Women have been struggling for ages to gain equality with men in the field of education, the professions, politics and other avenues. They are now at par with men to a great extent. The male generally tends to be aggressive by nature and female more emotional. In the domestic scene, particularly in the East, the male is more dominant as head of the family whilst the female tends to remain as passive partner. Please remember, ‘passive’ here does not mean ‘weak’. Rather it is a positive quality of ‘softness’ and ‘gentleness’. If man and woman maintain their masculine and feminine qualities inherited from nature


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and recognize their respective strengths, then, that attitude can contribute towards a congenial mutual understanding between the sexes.
Gandhi’s remarks:
‘I believe in the proper education of woman. But I do believe that woman will not make her contribution to the world by mimicking or running a race with man. She can run the race, but she will not rise to the great heights she is capable of by mimicking man. She has to be the complement of man’.
Parental Responsibilities


The basis of all human society is the intricate relationship between parent and child. A mother’s duty is to love, care and protect the child, even at extreme cost. This is the self-sacrificing love that the Buddha taught. It is practical, caring and generous and it is selfless. Buddhists are taught that parents should care for the child as the earth cares for all the plants and creatures.
Parents are responsible for the well-being and up-bringing of their children. If the child grows up to be a strong, healthy and useful citizen, it is the result of parents’ efforts. If the child grows up to be delinquent, parents must bear the responsibility. One must not blame others or society if children go astray. It is the duty of parents to guide children on the proper path.
A child, at its most impressionable age, needs the tender love, care and attention of parents. Without parental love and guidance, a child will be handicapped and will find the world a bewildering place to live in. However, showering parental love, care and attention does not mean pandering to all the demands of the child, reasonable or otherwise. Too much pampering would spoil the child. The mother in bestowing her love and care should also be strict and firm in handling the tantrums of a child. Being strict and firm does not mean being harsh to the child. Show your love, but temper it with a disciplined hand – the child will understand.
Unfortunately, amongst present-day parents, parental love is sadly lacking. The mad rush for material advancement, the liberation movements and the aspiration for equality, have resulted in many mothers joining their husbands, spending their working hours in offices and shops, rather than remaining at home tending to their off-spring. The children left to the care of relations or paid servants, are bewildered on being denied tender motherly love and care. The mother, feeling guilty about her lack of attention, tries to placate the child by giving in to all sorts of demands from the child. Such an action spoils the child. Providing the child with all sorts of modern toys such as tanks, machine guns, pistols, swords and such like equipment, as an appeasement is not psychologically good.
Loading a child with such toys is no substitute for a mother’s tender love and affections. Devoid of parental affection and guidance, it will not be surprising if the child subsequently grows up to be a delinquent. Then, who is to be blamed for bringing up a wayward child? The parents of course! The working mother, especially after a hard day’s work in an office to be followed by household chores, can hardly find time for the child that is yearning for her care and attention. Parents who have no time for their children should not complain when these same children have no time for them when they are old. Parents who claim that they spend a lot of money on their children but are too busy


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should not complain when their "busy" children in turn leave them in expensive Homes for the Aged!
Most women work today so that the family can enjoy more material benefits. They should seriously consider Gandhi’s advice for men to seek freedom from greed rather than freedom from need. Of course, given today’s economic set-up we cannot deny that some mothers are forced to work. In such a case, the father and mother must make extra sacrifices of their time to compensate for what their children miss when they are away. If both parents spend their non-working hours at home with their children, there will be greater understanding between parents and children.
In his discourses, the Buddha has listed certain primary duties and functions as essential guidelines for parents to observe. One of the primary guidelines is by precept, practice and action, to lead the children away from things that are evil and through gentle persuasion, to guide them to do all that is good for the family, for society and for the country. In this connection, parents would have to exercise great care in dealing with their children. It is not what the parents profess but what they really are and do, that the child absorbs unconsciously and lovingly . The child’s entry into the world is moulded by emulating parental behaviour. It follows that good begets good and evil begets evil. Parents who spend much time with their children will subtly transmit their characteristics to their offspring.


Extracted From The Book : A Happy Married Life

The Full Text is on Sale and can be obtained from:


Buddhist Missionary Society Malaysia

Buddhist Maha Vihara
123, Jalan Berhala, Brickfields
50470 Kuala Lumpur
Malaysia



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